Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 83586 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83586 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
“You do?”
“You already decided it anyway. Don’t know why you care how I feel about it, but yeah. We both always knew this would end at some point. It ain’t normal, carryin’ on like we’re young the way we do.”
Don’t go… Please don’t go…
“Feels normal to me,” Sutton said softly. He set his bottle on the counter, went to the door, grabbed his bag, and walked out.
The second I heard his truck start up, heard his wheels on the gravel and felt him driving away, the first tear slipped free.
I stumbled toward the wall, back hitting it, and slid down to the floor. My shirt was wet. Jesus, how was my shirt that fucking wet? But the tears were flowing freely now, like the dam had broken and a whole lifetime of denial and want was released in the flood that fell from my eyes.
I miss you…
Don’t go…
Christ, I was so fucking broken. What was wrong with me? Who lost their shit this way because their best friend was moving out?
You know why. Call him. Tell him.
But I didn’t do either of those things. I curled into a ball, right there on my kitchen floor, and drowned in all my pain and sorrow.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Sutton
I had to force myself not to turn back, to keep driving despite the ache in my chest. This was smart. Eventually, I would have to do it anyway. Might as well cut the cord now, but damn, it hurt. I was hollowed out, like I’d left everything important to me, every vital piece of myself back at the house with Jasper. To him, what I felt for him wasn’t normal, and there was no getting around that. All it would do was devastate me in the end.
So I kept driving to Kendra’s. I was so fucking thankful I had her in my life. She’d let me vent a whole lot about Jasper in the months since I’d told her. She was my closest friend outside of him—because no matter what, Jasper would always be that for me. But she was the only person I could talk to about it all, the only one who knew how I felt and nothing bad had come of it. She’d accepted me right off the bat, helped me see how much I needed to do this.
Because if I didn’t do it now, I never would.
I would spend my whole damn life in love with someone who didn’t love me, not in that way.
“Hey, you,” Kendra said. “Oh no. What’s wrong?”
“I told him I’m lookin’ for a place of my own. I had to.” I stepped inside and set my bag down.
“Shit. I’m sorry.”
“Me too. But I don’t want to talk about it. I’m so fuckin’ tired of feelin’ this way. I need to move on. I want to forget.”
Kendra’s rosebud lips stretched into a smile. “Let’s go out.”
“Huh?”
“Let’s go out. To a gay bar. We’ll have to go into Charlotte, but it’s only an hour from here. You don’t have to do anything but be around queer people. See them happy and loving, and hell, hooking up. I’m sure it can feel so stifling here. You’ve got to see what it can be like. We’ll have fun!”
I’d never even thought about going to a gay bar. It wasn’t something that would have ever crossed my mind, partly because it hadn’t been all that long since I’d admitted to myself I was bisexual.
Kendra was saying, “I could use a good time. I went out with this guy last night, and it was a disaster. Well, at least he made me come.”
I couldn’t help laughing. Kendra was great. And damned if I didn’t want exactly what she’d said, if I didn’t want to let loose and have fun. “Okay, let’s do it.”
“Eek!” Kendra bounced on her heels. “I need to go get ready.”
Kendra made me change out of my hoodie. A flannel was the best I could do, so I put one on over my T-shirt and left it open.
We got to the bar…club…whatever it was, around nine. She said that was early to be out, but we’d make do. I was used to going to small bars around Ryland where nine wasn’t really considered early. Lots of folks ended up there by six, when they got off work.
I couldn’t believe I was doing this. More than once, I had to talk myself into it all over again, but I was going to a gay bar in Charlotte, so it wasn’t as if anyone from Ryland would see me. And if they did, well…they were there too. I wasn’t at the place where I was ready to come out to everyone yet. Since I couldn’t have Jasper, I’d likely end up with a woman anyway. That made me think about Sammy Joe and how he hadn’t had that choice. He was gay, and it was only men for him. It must’ve been so hard for him to have to lie to everyone all those years…