Total pages in book: 130
Estimated words: 126602 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 633(@200wpm)___ 506(@250wpm)___ 422(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 126602 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 633(@200wpm)___ 506(@250wpm)___ 422(@300wpm)
“Your family…life with your girls every day, I want you to have that, Sean,” I said. “I think you should go on vacation with Val. Spend some time with them. Love them. Be a family…You deserve to have everything. Everything. Even things I can’t give you because they aren’t mine to give.”
“You’re leavin’ me?” he asked, and God, there was so much ache and shocking hurt in his voice. It cried into my heart. “Tellin’ me to go, but you’re leavin’ me. That’s what this is. You’re fuckin’ endin’ this?”
I couldn’t nod or tell him yes. I couldn’t utter the words I promised I’d never say. I could only stand there and weep.
Sean released my face and lowered his arm.
“I love you,” he said.
More tears flooded my eyes. They wet my trembling lips.
I was dying. This was pain unlike I’d ever felt. It was crushing. Not only what I’d said, but staying silent when the only words I wanted to speak were trapped inside my heart and would stay there. He would never hear them.
Sean pulled in a breath through his nose and jerked his chin. His mouth hardened.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, moving around him. I made it to the door.
“I tell you that, and you leave,” he declared at my back.
I peered over my shoulder.
I could barely see him through my tears, but Sean’s devastation was clear and written all over his face. He looked shattered.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
Then I walked out of his room, out of the home he deserved, and away from the life he’d worked so hard for.
I got in my car and left, when I’d promised I never would.
Chapter Twenty
SEAN
When I was a kid, I did a lot of dreaming.
I dreamed about a different life, one where I had parents who wanted me around, who liked me. I tried picturing it, but it was a hard thing to imagine when I didn’t know what it looked like.
Then my girls were born, and I didn’t need to dream anymore. I didn’t have a hard time imagining what a family was, what they did, how they loved each other, because I had it. I had them. And even though I didn’t understand the why, I was grateful.
When I got locked up, I did a lot of dreaming too.
I dreamed about my girls, about the life they were living without me. I imagined them with Val and knew they were getting love, but I also knew they deserved to get it from me. I didn’t want my girls growing up needing to dream like I did. I didn’t want them wondering what it would’ve been like having a dad around, one who cared, one who didn’t hurt them. I made a promise to myself—I’d do whatever it took to give them that life I always wanted. We’d be a family. And unlike me, they wouldn’t ever need to wonder what the fuck that was.
Meeting Val changed my life. She was the first person to ever look at me like I was worth something. And from that love came my girls.
Meeting Shayla changed my life for the second time. She kept it going.
And without her, I wouldn’t understand the why.
I deserved that life. I deserved those dreams.
I deserved it all.
I met Val and the girls at the beach on Saturday morning.
I got coverage for the weekend, but getting Friday off wasn’t happening, so I couldn’t go down with them the day they left.
The girls didn’t seem to care. Neither did Val. They were all happy to see me when I showed up, and excited to spend the day together.
Once Caroline and Fiona saw the board I brought down with me, having picked one out from Wax the other day, they couldn’t contain their excitement.
My girls always loved riding the waves.
We spent the day in the water, the girls taking turns riding out with me on the board while Val stood with the other and took pictures. Then we switched. This went on through the afternoon, neither one of them tiring of it. While I ate one of the sandwiches Val had made, the girls built sandcastles and hunted for seashells.
It was a great day. One of the best I could ever remember having.
My girls were smiling nonstop. I’d never seen them this happy before. They loved all of us being together. They missed it. I missed it.
We looked like a family—just like we used to.
Fiona giggled as she chased away seagulls, and Val helped Caroline write our names in the sand in front of the castle.
“Look, Daddy,” she said. “It’s our home.”
My chest tightened. I could give them this, I thought, watching Caroline take off running after Fiona with Val staying close behind. I could give them our family, us, every day. It would be better than it was before. It would be what my girls deserved all along. I would do anything for them.