Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Apparently, Jojo and I were both the same kind of fucked up, and I ended up needing to go the psychiatrist route too. I didn’t feel the depression the same way Jojo did, or at least, not in a way I needed medication for it, but I had anxiety. The constant, deep-rooted fear of losing Jojo, or fucking up, or not being worthy, made me freak out sometimes. When I had nightmares, I definitely needed something to calm myself down, and my anxiety was contributing to those as well.
So now we were both medicated and talking to people. We were living together, but not making it permanent, while pretending everything was okay.
Despite having introduced me to Angel that day at the shop, and meeting Maria there a few times since then, Joey still made excuses not to hang out with them. I didn’t totally understand it, but then, we locked ourselves away from the world in a lot of ways, taking back the time we’d been denied for so long. Micah thought we were using that as a reason to keep ourselves from moving forward—me because of my fear of fucking up and losing him. The truth was, I had fucked up. Everything that happened—his dad, prison, sending Joey away—stemmed from decisions I made, me alone, which was what I told Micah.
“I understand why you feel that way,” Micah said, “and I can’t imagine how hard this has to be for you—living with what you consider to be your mistakes. What we need to do now is find a way to work through it. You have to find a way to forgive yourself. If you can’t do that, it’s going to be hard for you to move forward because you’re always going to fear the same thing happening again.”
“Is there a magic forgive-yourself pill?” I asked, and he laughed.
“Unfortunately, no. None of the pills are magic. We still have to do the work, and you’re doing it. I really want you to be proud of the steps you’ve taken—coming here every week, talking to me, keeping up the gardening and a healthy routine—but our goal moving forward is to get you over that hump to where you can forgive yourself for what you see as mistakes you’ve made.”
I nodded.
“Good. Now, let’s talk gardening. It’s something you really love.”
My passion for it had grown even more over the summer. I didn’t know what it was—maybe it was the caretaker in me, the nurturer. If I did a good job, if I took care of plants the right way, they would grow strong.
“Have you considered finding ways to do that more? I know you’re taking care of the garden at Darrel’s, but I’m a big believer in doing as many of the things we love as we can. You might find joy in taking a class where you learn more about plants or—”
“Me and school don’t do real well together.”
“Okay, that’s fair. How about this week we focus on figuring out how you can do more of what you enjoy? Of what makes you happy. Something with plants, or something else. I know you and Joey spend time with your friends Angie and Kevin, but it’s good for you to do things that are just for you and not you and Joey.”
When I frowned, he explained, “The time you two spend together is important, don’t get me wrong. I’m just saying, it’s also important that you find fun and happiness outside of Joey; friends and a life outside of Joey. He can’t be your reason for everything. When we started here, I asked you why you’d come, and your answer was to get healthy for Joey, and while it’s incredible that you love him as much as you do, you need to be here and do things for Gage too. I think it’s become a vicious circle—you blame yourself, you can’t forgive yourself, so you make everything you do about him.”
I understood what he was saying, but I didn’t have the first idea how to change that. Joey always had been and always would be the most important thing to me. “We’re going out tonight—to a gay bar with Kevin and Angie. I’ve never been to a gay bar before.” It was sad that I hadn’t.
“That’s good. You should definitely be proud of that, and make sure you have a good time. You deserve it.”
After our session ended, it took me an hour to get home because LA traffic was the worst.
Joey was already home when I got there. “Hey, how’d it go?” He looked at me and smiled, making my heart race. How could I not do anything and everything in my power for him?
“Good. He said I should work on finding more things I enjoy and doing stuff that’s just for me. He mentioned taking a gardening class.”