Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 89012 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 445(@200wpm)___ 356(@250wpm)___ 297(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 89012 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 445(@200wpm)___ 356(@250wpm)___ 297(@300wpm)
“This is about Ashley. We’re on a break,” I say.
“That’s very Friends of you, Ross.”
What?
“Never mind,” she says. “So you’re on a break. Does that make you feel better about things?”
“Obviously not.”
“So it’s safe to say this isn’t working for you?”
“I’m fucking miserable. I can’t eat without her. I can’t sleep without her. I worry about her twenty-four seven. I texted her last night, and she didn’t text me back.”
Tati furrows her brow. “Is she pissed at you?”
I shrug. “I don’t think so. I mean, probably, but she didn’t leave pissed. We weren’t in a huge fight or anything. We didn’t break it off because of that. It was a mutual agreement.”
“A step back for a minute?”
“Yeah. A step back for a minute.”
“Well, this is one of your easier problems,” she says. “If it isn’t working for you, why are you still doing it?”
Didn’t I have Ashley promise me she wouldn’t do that—she wouldn’t stay with me if it wasn’t working? But now this pause isn’t working for me. So what do I do?
“I hate when you make things sound so trivial,” I say.
“Then make it make sense.”
I stand, rolling my chair backward and into the bookshelf. “I can’t make it make sense, Tat, because the only thing that makes any sense is for her and me to be together. I’m not stupid or blind.”
“Huh.”
I glare at her. “How can things be this intense already? Like, where do I go from here? I’m scared out of my mind.”
“And now we’re getting somewhere.”
“Are you being a smart-ass?”
“Smart, yes. An ass? Maybe also yes.” She stands and moves behind her chair. “It’s scary to get exactly what you want sometimes.”
I stare at her.
She’s right about one thing—Ashley is exactly what I want. She’s the only thing I want.
“So what happens when you get what you want in life?” she asks. “The only thing that can possibly happen is that you lose it, right? How could you possibly sustain something for a lifetime—especially something that took you decades to get?”
Shut up, Tati.
“This isn’t about you wondering if you’re doing the right thing or whether it can be this intense already. You’re not thinking it might not work out because you already know the answer. The real answer. You love her.”
I nod. Where is she going with this?
“Maddox, this is about you realizing that you got what you wanted, and the risks now seem so damn high that you’re panicking. You’re worrying about losing something that, right now—you don’t even have.”
I sit back down. I might fire her.
“You’re conjuring up all of these scenarios in your head, all of these excuses because you’re scared. You’re trying to make yourself feel better, and I get it. I’m a hell of an excuse-maker myself. But what’s gonna kill you more, boss? The fear of having her or the certainty of not?”
Friday. I’m firing her Friday.
“Now, I’m going to work. Someone”—she points at me—“has been slacking lately, and I’m trying to keep the place going. There’s an offer from Armitage in your email if you haven’t checked it. That might brighten your day a little.”
She turns to go.
“Tati?”
“Yeah?” She looks over her shoulder.
I sigh. “Thanks. For everything.”
“You’ve very welcome. Now, don’t be a fool.”
She laughs down the hallway.
THIRTY-ONE
Ashley
The waves break beneath the gloomy clouds.
“I can’t breathe,” I say, holding my hand to my chest. My other one lays on top, feeling my wedding ring beneath it. “I miss him so much.”
Becca rests her head against mine. “Then go to him. Call him. Text him.”
Maddox texted me last night, and I didn’t have the courage to text him back. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond to anything he might bring up. I didn’t trust myself not just to blurt out that I love him and beg him to take me back—to get back together before we’re ready.
“But before I do that, I need to know that you didn’t agree to this on the plane because you felt pressured. You were my friend before this, and you will be my friend after.”
Back at ya, Mad.
I’ve thought a lot about what Becca said about me never being single. I kept thinking that the next relationship would somehow make me happy. That it would heal my heart. That it would prove that I was okay because someone wanted me.
Probably because my dad didn’t. He walked away.
That caused me some issues, I know. I believed, because he manipulated me into thinking it, that I was the reason for our failed relationship. I was too much like my mother, too headstrong. I demanded too much of him. I wanted too much attention. “You’re an attention whore, Ashley. Leave me the fuck alone.”
But no relationship is going to heal my heart. No man is going to walk in and make anything better, and moreover, trusting someone else with that kind of power is asinine.