Total pages in book: 114
Estimated words: 103918 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 520(@200wpm)___ 416(@250wpm)___ 346(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 103918 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 520(@200wpm)___ 416(@250wpm)___ 346(@300wpm)
But when the chair did scrape across the floor just a little, he didn't drop my hand and walk away. Instead, he gave it the smallest of squeezes and held it like that for a few seconds.
A million things happened in those few seconds. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I wasn't Lex the blind guy. I was just Lex, the guy who wanted to offer comfort to a fellow human being.
I was someone who understood loss and grief. I hated that it was something Gideon was going through, but it did make me feel a little less alone. And it reminded me that despite everything I'd been through, I was still here. I'd always lived with the philosophy of not taking life for granted, but sometimes I forgot. It was also a reminder that Gideon was, indeed, human. It hadn't been fair of me to unleash on him like I had. He'd just been a convenient target. I wished I could go back to that moment and do things differently. After all Gideon had done for me, it hadn't been right to use him as a scapegoat for my problems.
But most of all, I realized I was still capable of feeling all the same things I had before I'd gotten the diagnosis that my vision was beginning to fail and there was no coming back from it. I'd been so angry at the world that I'd thought it had changed who I really was. But sitting at that table holding Gideon's hand was proof that I could still feel. That I could still care.
I let Gideon decide the next step. He gave my hand one last squeeze and then got up, presumably to resume cooking. I really wanted to just hug him and tell him that everything would be okay, even though I knew it never really would be. Losing a child wasn't something anyone ever probably really recovered from. I also wanted him to know that he wasn't alone. I wanted him to know that even when I went back to Birch Cabin tonight, he'd have someone to talk to if the memories became too much.
I wondered if he had anyone else in his life he could talk to. I remembered his reaction to knowing I'd attempted to take my own life, as brief as the desire had been. Had he tried the same thing at some point? Or considered it?
Since I knew there would be no answers forthcoming, I forced myself to finish getting my insulin pump set up. I then turned my attention to my phone. I pressed the button that would tell me what the time was, but when there was nothing but silence, I knew Gideon hadn't turned it on. I was grateful for that because if it had been on for any length of time, any one of my brothers would've been able to find a way to track it. And while I was desperate to see them, I was still too raw from the knowledge of how close I'd come to hurting them in such an unforgivable way.
My throat felt tight and I could feel tears pricking the backs of my eyes as I envisioned my brothers being told of my death. It was unacceptable. Every one of them had fought for me when I hadn't been able to do so for myself. No matter how hard things would be for me going forward, I needed to figure out a way to fight back.
Despite my newfound desire to put a better foot forward, I knew it wouldn't be that simple. When I did tell my brothers the truth about my vision, I would need to be the strong one. I wasn't strong enough yet. The question was, how did I get strong enough?
I was so lost in my own thoughts that I wasn’t aware of Gideon putting a plate of food in front of me until he asked, "Everything okay?"
I snapped out of my reverie and glanced his way. The food smelled surprisingly good and my stomach ended up growling much louder than I would've liked.
"I guess so," I heard Gideon say with what I hoped was a smile. It sure sounded like one.
"It smells really good," I said with a laugh. "Thank you." I started to search the table for a fork when I realized that Gideon would actually see me trying to eat. Since my vision had started to go, I'd only ever eaten by myself so I could save myself the embarrassment. Putting a fork in one's mouth should've been a simple task, but when one couldn’t see the fork, or the food, it wasn't so easy. Even just getting the food on the fork would be a monumental task. There had been countless times that I'd ended up putting an empty fork in my mouth.