Total pages in book: 80
Estimated words: 76517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 383(@200wpm)___ 306(@250wpm)___ 255(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 76517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 383(@200wpm)___ 306(@250wpm)___ 255(@300wpm)
“You don’t have to do this,” she says when I kiss her harder.
I run my hand down the side of her body, gripping her hip and pulling her closer against me.
“You’re right,” I say. “I don’t have to—I want to.”
She sighs, her peppermint breath mixing with mine. “I’m sorry I assumed you were hooking up with an ex-girlfriend. I know we’re not dating, and I have no right to be jealous, and I hate how I sounded when I was asking all of those questions . . .”
I silence her with another kiss. She doesn’t need to qualify her apology. I’m not holding this against her, especially after what my brother did to her.
Anneliese pulls back, placing her hand on my chest. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”
“You tired?”
“No,” she says. “I just don’t think this is a good idea. You and me. If I kiss someone and then go into a blind rage at the mere mention of them hanging out with another woman, I have no business inviting that kind of dysfunction into my life. I’m just not in a good place . . . and the night we shared was fun; don’t get me wrong. But I’ve learned from past experience that casual hookups aren’t my thing. I get attached way too easily, and I’m always the one who gets hurt.”
I slide my hand off her and give her some space—which isn’t much given the size of this bed.
Running my hand through my hair, I exhale. “Yeah, no. I understand.”
This morning while she was working at the bookshop, her father told me that she’s the kind who falls in love easily and gives everyone she meets the benefit of the doubt.
“She can’t help it,” he said. “She’s soft like that. Too soft for her own good. Makes for a lot of heartbreak, though.”
As much as her father seems to like me, I couldn’t help but feel like that was a warning.
“I like you, Lachlan,” she says. “As a person, I mean. And I want to keep it that way.”
Anneliese rolls over, her backside flush against me, and a few moments later, her breath steadies. But while she’s out cold, I’m wide awake a world away, lost in my thoughts, replaying Anneliese’s words alongside Lynnette’s advice about breaking the cycle.
I watch her sleep, inhaling her soft scent, knowing I can never be what she needs—or who she wants. Knowing she’s right—if we mess around, she’s the one who’ll get hurt in the end because I’m the asshole who always leaves before shit gets real, before I get attached enough to get my heart trampled on.
I’ve swallowed more hard pills in my life than I can count, but this may be one of the hardest.
I’m not capable of loving someone, not in the traditional sense of the word, but if I were, I’d want to love someone like her.
TWENTY-FIVE
ANNELIESE
akrasia (n.) lack of self-control
I toss and turn in my bed Tuesday night, rolling to my side to reach for my phone. At half past eleven, I’ll be lucky if I get six hours of solid sleep before my alarm goes off.
My parents left early this morning, and I shared an awkward coffee moment with Lachlan in the kitchen before jetting off to the bookshop. Flo returns next week, which means he and I will be spending much more quality time together over the coming weeks . . . or months.
As much as I wanted him to kiss me last night, I had to hit the brakes.
I know myself.
And I know when I’m getting in over my head.
Monday evening, when I should’ve been playing cards with my parents or bonding over some heartwarming Hallmark movie my mom put on, I was there but I wasn’t present. My mind was ruminating on Lachlan, convincing myself he’d played me for a fool. And by the time he came home, smelling like cheap perfume and cigarettes and talking about how he’d spent the evening with someone who meant more to him than a friend and someone whom he’d hurt badly when he’d left . . . it took all the strength I had not to burst into a jealousy-fueled inferno.
Of course, it was all a misunderstanding.
Getting the rug pulled out from under me this year has cast shadows of doubt over any little thing that brings me joy lately.
But as I came down from that emotional cliff, I cringed and realized that the side of me who reared her ugly head that night was the still-broken side of me.
I wish I could throw caution to the wind and shamelessly hunt for carnal pleasure at every turn. I wish I could be as fun and sexy as Lachlan makes me feel when he reaches for me in the dark or when he flashes that gleaming copper gaze of his.