Total pages in book: 83
Estimated words: 84114 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 421(@200wpm)___ 336(@250wpm)___ 280(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84114 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 421(@200wpm)___ 336(@250wpm)___ 280(@300wpm)
Perhaps I should be upfront with him, but Foster deserves better. If I’m terrible and he has to do all the work, he’s not going to want it to happen again. It hasn’t even happened yet, but I already know once isn’t going to be enough for me.
All Foster’s texts this week have been normal and friendly, but every time I see his name on my screen, I’m burning for more. I don’t know how he can be so cool about this.
I laugh to myself as I head for Professor Lawrence’s office. I’m getting ahead of myself. Once will be perfect. Once is something I’ve never thought too hard about because I’ve always been so focused on other things. Focused on schoolwork and studying, and while I was living with Seth, he encouraged it. He’d bring me food when I was deep in my research, remind me to shower, and force me outside for a few minutes each day. I forgot to worry about trivial things like my virginity.
Guilt over letting Seth take care of me hits again, and I remind myself that’s not the case anymore. Now Seth can resume being my best friend and have his own life instead of worrying about checking in on me.
Except … how can we be best friends when I haven’t told him the biggest thing going on in my life? Won’t he feel betrayed if I lose my virginity to Foster and haven’t told him?
I scramble to pull out my phone and call him.
“Hey, it’s about damn time.”
“I’m having sex with Foster,” I blurt.
There’s a choking sound on the other end. “Right now?”
“Of course not.”
“Thank God. I was about to point out a little thing called boundaries. Instead, let’s talk tense. I will be having sex with Fost—argh. No. Did I really almost say that? Why are we having this conversation?”
I laugh and fall against the wall a little down from the office. “I don’t know. I thought it would be polite to inform you.”
“Foster beat you to it. Though why either of you think I want to know about his sex life …”
“H-he did?”
Seth hums. “Umm … Zach?”
“Yes?”
“This conversation isn’t one I ever want to have again, but I’ve gotta ask. Are you sure? Do you really want your first time to be with him?”
“I … Yes.”
There’s a pause. “Just … yes? No reasons?”
“The reasons aren’t your concern.”
He scoffs. “Real nice.”
“What do you mean?” Is this one of those situations I’ve read wrong? Am I supposed to tell him about what I see in his brother?
“Since when do we keep secrets from each other?”
Is that what this is about? I scuff my shoe over the polished tile floors. “It’s not like that, it’s …” I sigh. “Maybe … we do, umm, need to talk about boundaries after all.”
“Why?”
I set my shoulders and draw up all the conviction I possess. Admittedly, it’s not a lot. But this is Seth. Seth who has always been there for me. Who’s supported me no matter what. “I’m not a child,” I blurt. “I know sometimes I’m a bit absentminded and forgetful and lose track of time, but I’m … I’m an adult now, and you can’t protect me from everything.”
“I don’t want people to take advantage of you. Especially not my brother.”
“Maybe that’s what I want though.”
“The fuck?”
I smile. “Do you know how nice it’s been to feel wanted? He doesn’t treat me with kid gloves or try to tone things down for me. And if he hurts me … I want that. I want to know what it’s like to have experienced that high even if it’s followed by a crushing low. Leaving you was the hardest choice I’ve ever made, but it was the right one.”
“Leaving … me?”
Time to come clean. “I didn’t only transfer because of Morris. That was part of it, but … I got into the master’s program and was offered a TA position at UVM. I didn’t take it.”
He doesn’t reply.
“Please don’t hate me.” I blink back the prickling of tears. “I relied on you too much. You’re my safe space. But you hated going out with your friends and leaving me alone, and you always saw it as your job to take care of me. It took me too long to catch on to what was happening. That’s why I transferred.”
His laugh is bitter. “And now you’ve replaced me with my brother.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I could never replace you. I couldn’t even move out of the same town. That’s why I’m telling you this—about the transfer and Foster. No secrets. I want you to know I’m okay with making mistakes, and it’s not your job to protect me from them. Even when Foster’s interest in me fizzles out, that doesn’t change things with us.”
“I wanna be so mad at you right now,” he mumbles.