Total pages in book: 124
Estimated words: 118459 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 592(@200wpm)___ 474(@250wpm)___ 395(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 118459 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 592(@200wpm)___ 474(@250wpm)___ 395(@300wpm)
I started to realize just how fucking stupid I really was.
I woke up one morning and realized that I’d not talked to my mom in months. That I had no fucking clue what was going on with Gage. That I hadn’t said anything substantial to Jules in more days than I could remember. The chick lying next to me that morning looked so different from Jules and I remember how it rolled my stomach, her blond hair sprawled across my chest. For some reason, everything hit me at once. I needed to find that scrap of whatever it was that made me me. I needed a second chance to make things right with everyone. So I bought a ticket with some money loaned to me by my coach and flew home to surprise everyone.
Surprise, fucking, surprise.
“Ma asked me if I was happy. I smarted something off and she shushed me and asked me again. I yelled, you know, how could I be happy walking into the mess I did? That everyone in my life had changed and I knew nothing about it. That I meant nothing to any of you.”
I remember her face, all lined with years of hard work and little else. How her eyes looked like mine and Gage’s, but colorless in a way, a film on them from days without a smile. I felt like shit for leaving her behind and basically ignoring her, but feeling that in front of her made me angry.
“Ma told me she thought I’d lost my way. That I’d gotten too big at school and had forgotten who I was. That I’d let the glory or whatever dumb word you wanna use get to my head. That she and Gage missed me. That she wanted me to remember that.”
I stand, embarrassed for saying this out loud, embarrassed for having done this at all. But at the same time, it is freeing.
“She said she wanted me to not get tied up in the rich man’s game. To be a simple man. To find a woman to love, a job I didn’t hate, and to enjoy the nice things in life. And by nice things she didn’t mean cars and watches.”
I chuckle and look at Julia. “That was it for me. You were in the other room with Gage. When she said that, I got pissed. I don’t remember what I said to her, exactly, but it had something to do with her not understanding who I was. That she liked Gage better than me and was rubbing it in my face that I lost you.” I shrug, as if that can explain things. “I kissed her again and left. And then a few months later when Gage called and said I needed to come home . . .”
I stop talking. I don’t know what to say.
“Were you going to come?”
“I was young,” I say, sadly. “I didn’t really think it was that serious. I don’t know, maybe I was just butt-hurt. But I should’ve gotten on a plane that night. I should’ve been here. But I didn’t and I wasn’t.”
“Were you going to come?” she whispers again, hopefully this time.
“No.”
She looks shocked, her mouth dropping open. It’s what I expect. “I’m not Gage, Jules. I didn’t know how to deal with everything . . .”
I sit down again and take a deep breath. “I called her the night before she died. Did Gage tell you that?”
Her eyebrows sink together as she shakes her head.
“I did. I still don’t think I really thought she’d die, but we talked. Not one of those ‘say everything you wanna say’ talks, but we did have a conversation. I just . . . I know I didn’t handle that right. I’ve not handled a lot of things right . . .”
The current in the room shifts and I know she feels it. She just looks at me.
“I’m sorry, Jules.”
“For what?” she breathes.
“I’ve not handled things right with you either.”
“Crew—”
“No, hear me out. I told you I wasn’t going to Minnesota and then basically just left you. I shouldn’t have been surprised that you moved on.”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“No, it does,” she says, setting the bowl down. “I didn’t just hookup with Gage as soon as you left, Crew.”
I roll my head, my neck now throbbing. Regardless of what she says, this doesn’t matter. It’s done. And I don’t even think I want to hear it.
“When you left, yeah, I was devastated. But even then, I knew I couldn’t expect you to walk away from a scholarship like that. I wasn’t stupid. I just went to school and got through each day and hoped you’d come back. Then one night . . .”
She presses her lips together. She shakes her head, her ebony hair swishing across her shoulders.