Total pages in book: 62
Estimated words: 60198 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 301(@200wpm)___ 241(@250wpm)___ 201(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 60198 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 301(@200wpm)___ 241(@250wpm)___ 201(@300wpm)
Anders stands. “Right. Okay then.” He shuffles from one foot to the other awkwardly. “Well … I, umm, guess it was fun while it lasted.” Anders has this fidgeting tic—the same one Law has when his brother is mentioned.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “Yell at me if you need to.”
“Not necessary. I’m, ah, I’ll go. See ya ’round.”
Shit, I didn’t expect to see genuine hurt in his eyes.
“I really am sorry,” I call after him, but his feet don’t stop. If anything, he walks faster.
Maybe I should go after him and explain the truth, but what good would that do? Plus, he might tell his brother about the whole crush thing, and while I’ve never had a serious thing for a straight guy before, I can’t see how telling Law would be a good idea. Maybe I should go after Anders and tell him I changed my mind, but that’s a slippery slope. Ending it now is what’s best for everyone involved, even if some parties are unknowingly the thing coming between me and Anders.
I stay frozen to the spot, unable to determine just how much I’m going to regret my decision tomorrow.
12
Lawson
Anders takes a swing, but I duck and pivot.
“Spill it, brother.” He breathes heavy, preparing to try to attack me again.
I grunt. “Maybe you should focus on your advances instead of what’s going on with me.”
“You’ve been a cranky asshole for days, and now you’re trying to beat the shit out of me. Your fuck buddy situation go south already? She find out your name’s Lawson, not Dawson?”
“What do you care? Watch my attacks, dammit.” I almost sock him in the face because he’s not paying attention.
“Why won’t you tell me about her?”
“Why don’t you shut the hell up before I shut you up.”
Anders laughs because he knows I’m bluffing. I don’t hit my brother, even when sparring. At least, not on purpose.
The smartass takes me off-guard and tackles me, turning my serious training into a wrestling match.
“You’re a bastard,” I say and roll on top of him.
“Did someone bweak my poor wittle bwother’s heart?” he mocks, while trying to fight me off.
Yes. “Fuck off.”
Anders pulls strength from who knows where and pushes me away. He pins me to the mats and straddles me. He captures my wrists in his palms and pins them to the mats too. “Seriously, bro. What’s wrong?”
The fight leaves me as I try to sink into the floor. “I got dumped.” And it stings way more than it should. Reed and I weren’t even together—not officially. It was just sex. He thought I was Anders, for Christ’s sake. What we had wasn’t real.
Then why does it hurt so fucking much? When he told me he had a thing for the guy he had dinner with—whoever he is—I should’ve been elated. It gave us the simple out I needed. Everything wouldn’t turn to shit, and I’d still get to be friends with him as myself.
But I never planned on falling for the guy, which evidently, I did.
Now what am I supposed to do?
Anders laughs and collapses beside me.
“So hilarious,” I say.
“Just talk to her. The wrong name isn’t a big deal.”
“Nah, it’s not that. We were casual and … there was someone else.” Avoiding pronouns is hard.
I’ll tell Anders eventually about the fact I like guys. When, I don’t know, but it doesn’t feel like something I should just blurt out like he did. Especially because I’ve kept it hidden for so long.
When Anders had come out to me, it was as simple as him saying some guy at school was hot. For a second, I thought he knew about me and was fishing. To cover my ass, I answered vaguely with, “If you’re into that sort of thing.” He replied, “Yeah … I, uh, am.”
In retrospect, this was the moment I was supposed to say me too. Instead, my heart was too busy frantically beating its way out of my chest because the thought of both of us being queer seemed wrong. Whether it was the stigma of what that meant back then or if it was the twin thing, I’m not sure. I imagined disappointing our parents and people saying ridiculous things like they raised us that way. I made a choice back then to stay quiet, because I wasn’t lying or pretending to be something I wasn’t when I was with women. And it worked. It’s only been recently that I’ve wanted to explore my interest in guys.
Now that I know what I’ve been missing, there’s no way I’m going back to only dating girls.
Ungh. The thought of dating at all makes my gut churn. I don’t want to date anyone else—male or female. I want Reed.
Anders nudges me. “Then she’s not worth it.”
“Let’s call it. You have to get back to work, and I have afternoon classes coming in soon.” One of them being Reed’s class.