Total pages in book: 187
Estimated words: 174623 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 873(@200wpm)___ 698(@250wpm)___ 582(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 174623 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 873(@200wpm)___ 698(@250wpm)___ 582(@300wpm)
"Adaptation and survival. This is when we modify who we are and what we do to avoid conflict. We walk on eggshells and go above and beyond to try to stop the abuse. Number four is heightened abuse. It goes beyond the control, jealousy, and criticism I spoke about in the second step." I look around the group, pausing to see if anyone has questions. "Number five for most of us is hope and reconciliation. This comes with apologies and promises that it was a onetime thing. It's normally painted with the blame of our behaviors, and very rarely is there an admission of their own guilt. I know for me, in the beginning, I modified my behavior. I accepted that I did something wrong, and had I not acted the way I did or responded in a way opposite to what he expected of me, then he wouldn't have had to do what he did. I fully believed it was my fault, and I could change so I didn't have to force him to be a monster."
"That's easy to do when you love them," Dana says, her voice low and full of shame.
"It is," Melissa quickly agrees.
"I believed every promise he ever made to me," Kayla says. "Even when I had blood running from my nose and had swollen black eyes."
I swallow, knowing the early stages of my cycle included less violence against me until my attack. It's hard to hear women speak about the continued physical abuse, and there have been times that I considered myself lucky to have only been physically hurt once. Then I remember all that I lost in that one attack.
I have often wondered if I would've left had he physically hurt me before the stabbing, and as much as I'd like to convince myself that I would've, I don't know that him slapping me would've made me leave. I was well into the cycle of abuse, and I have to accept that I could've easily been one of the women who stayed, thinking I could change him enough or modify my behavior enough that the abuse would end.
"Next is rationalizing the abuse. If I had done something differently, he wouldn't have been put in that situation the first time. If I had worn my hair differently in public, that man wouldn't have looked at me twice. He's under a lot of stress at work. The kids were being too loud, and I should've asked them to settle down sooner."
"My ex would want me to dress in less clothing and then would hit me when I drew another man's attention," Caroline says. "I knew what was coming when he'd lay out my clothes on the bed. He created situations to hurt me. I had to choose either to refuse to wear it and just get on with the abuse or wear it with the anticipation of getting hurt later."
"That's awful," Melissa says. "I'm sorry you went through that."
Caroline drops her eyes to her hands, her head shaking slightly.
"The number of times I looked at the back door of a bar when I went to the bathroom. I could've just walked out and disappeared," she says, her voice soft and full of regret.
"What would've happened if you had?" Kayla asks.
Caroline takes a moment before lifting her eyes to the newest member of the house.
"He always told me he'd find me and kill me, and that if he couldn't find me, he'd track down my little sister at college and kill her instead."
"That's awful," Dana says. "What has happened since you left him?"
"He's still in jail," Caroline says. "All of this happened in California. Their domestic violence laws are a lot stricter than those in most states. He won't be getting out anytime soon. When they arrested him, he had drugs and a weapon, so they stacked his offenses. He was already a twice-convicted felon, so with this being his third offense, he won't be released for a minimum of twenty-five years."
"But when he is?" Kayla asks.
"I pray every day that he shoots his mouth off to the wrong inmate and they kill him," she says, lifting her head a little higher as if she's preparing to defend her statement.
I say nothing, having prayed for the same thing for Graham more times than I can count.
"I'll add that to my prayer list," Melissa says, gaining a chuckle from the other women.
"Let's continue," I say. "Where were we?"
"Number seven," Kayla answers.
"Seven is isolation," I say. "Friends disappear, family takes a step back, and control increases. All things our abusers like because it decreases the chances of getting caught. They may justify their abuse, but they know they can get in trouble for what they're doing. Eight is entrapment, where we feel stuck and alone. Maybe they're using the threat of harm or removal of the children. They control the money, and there's a hopelessness that we couldn’t succeed without them because they've taken away all our means of support. The money is gone, and friends and family are no longer around. They've systematically made us dependent on them."